I can honestly say that I can not believe it has been one year
since I returned home.
Where did the time go?
Sometimes, it feels like yesterday.
Other times it feels like I never went on a mission at all.
That I never walked the streets of New York City or Brazil.
It feels as if it was just one huge dream:
A great dream and a nightmare.
And because of those 18 months, I have been forever changed.
I'm still so weird, like Elder Hezekiah Calhoun weird I constantly think and talk about my mission.
I seriously miss it everyday.
I miss the schedule. I know, I told you I was weird.
I miss only planning for others and thinking of others.
I miss having food and money provided for me.
It's just not the same when it's your dad.
Most of all I miss the people that I love.
In a lot of ways a mission was easier than how life is now.
Refer back to the 'great dream' comment.
In a lot of ways it was harder.
Refer back to the 'nightmare' comment.
I always heard coming home from your mission is hard.
But it wasn't hard for me in the ways that I was told.
It has been easy for me to keep up spiritually.
I have learned so much about my Heavenly Father since coming home.
(Just sit in a hall)
I still feel like I have a purpose.
I still love to share the gospel.
I go to the temple all the time and it has been easy to keep up my scripture studies.
Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect at any of those things, but
it hasn't been hard for me to keep working at it.
It's been hard for me to look forward to the future.
Which is an important part of life.
I've learned so much about my weaknesses since coming home.
And pay attention to the fact that I didn't say weakness.
I've learned more and more on how Satan is real and doesn't want us to progress.
I've learned how He can do that with me.
In some ways I feel like I have stopped progressing.
On a mission I always felt like I was moving forward.
Whether it was on a road, or the road we call life.
Another thing that has been hard is the guilt
I feel because of certain things that happened on my mission.
Now, stop with those judgmental eyes!
I'm not saying that I did anything bad.
I was a very obedient missionary.
I always strived to be perfectly obedient and to be a Preach My Gospel missionary.
No.
It's other things.
I won't go into details, but a lot of times, when I hear RM's talk about their missions,
or at night I feel an overwhelming sadness for things that happened on my mission
that in all honestly shouldn't have.
I feel guilt for things I know I should not feel guilty for.
I feel sad that I even had to go through things like that.
I look back and am shocked that I even made it through.
And I see why if one missionary had the same experiences on their mission
without having a testimony of the gospel
could fall away from the church.
No one will ever know about most of my hard times on my mission
and honestly I don't think anyone could really understand.
I want you to know that
I do no dwell on those times though.
I am thankful for who I became because of it.
But, I choose to look at the happy moments and the people I met.
I tell you the hard things because there may be others who feel the same,
and I want them to know they are not alone. :)
Satan would have us only remember the hard times,
but he stinks.
The Plan of Salvation helps us know that it was in those moments that we were refined.
I personally learned how to trust my Savior, and that has helped me more than anything else
since coming home.
I have had so many good times since coming home!
I did EFY.
I know. Big surprise. It wasn't like I didn't post pictures every second.
At EFY, I met and was surrounded by so many amazing examples.
I have made new friends here at BYU
and have reconnected with so many old friends.
(Shout out to my twin who is my oldest friend;))
I love that I study at BYU, where I am still surrounded by the Gospel.
I have really seen how I have changed and grown.
Life is seriously so amazing and really can only get better.
We have so much purpose and God has such a great plan for each one of us!
Everything we do here on out is to help with that plan.
The other day I was sitting in a hall way at an EFY express.
I had hall duty to make sure there wasn't any kids that would sneak off.
As I was sitting there I was brought back to memories of my youth.
Oh glorious times!
As a teenager I would have hated to have sat in the hall during a dance alone.
I was so selfish (which was okay at the time).
I never realized the work that went behind dances,
oh poor old people!
The adults planned so much in order for us to feel joy and learn who our Savior was.
Sitting in that hall I realized that really never again would I be the one in the dance.
Unless I'm the cool adult who can breakdance.
That I would be the one planning and helping others have happiness.
I realized that sitting in that hallway...if I felt this weird feeling.
I felt joy. Not because I was having the time of my life, but
because I was helping others have theirs.
I love helping the youth learn who they are.
I realized that I am in the point of life where all my callings would be to help others.
And it made me think of God.
How He plans so much and does so much to make us happy.
All He does is serve. In the moment we don't see all the work that He puts in.
But as we get older we start to see and we start to realize
how He feels when He sees us progress and be happy.
We start to realize that His joy comes through service.
We start to become more like Him, and our purpose becomes His.
That's what a mission was full of.
No wonder God is so happy.
.
But my mission didn't end, and my purpose it still the same.
To teach others of God, and to be God's hands in helping others have eternal happiness.
God is shaping us, and He is making us better than who we are.
We just need to stop and look.
We need to realize that we are forever changing.
And that our purpose is so great :)
Being an RM really is amazing.
And my life will only get better.
I am excited to see what another year will bring.
No comments