I could've been the female Michael Phelps.

It was the summer before entering 

my freshmen year of high school.

It started with a typical summer day.

Doing nothing.

Which really hasn't changed much.

And, of course,

 I was doing nothing with Mary-Catherine and Whitney.

They had come up with this grand idea of joining 

the city swim team in an effort of trying to be productive in the summer,

and had asked me to participate with them. I

 had told them that that was an awesome idea! 

BUT! 

I have a secret to tell you:

To tell you the truth I was going to 

make some excuse and say that I couldn't.

A random spurt of the flu, a month long date with Orlando Bloom, or a more logical excuse- 

Conneen doesn't want to pay for it.

But that didn't happen. 

Unfortunately.

Whitney somehow got home from our walk before

 anyone of us, and my mom had already arrived.

She had already told my mom that I was joining, and by then it was to late.

(Syd had been the smart one, as always, had just said, flat out, 

"Awww snaps no!")

So mom left me a check and I was off for drowning practice.

So much for my excuse.

Orlando would be so disappointed. 

However when I got there they informed me 

that I had to have a permission slip to swim 

in the deep end, and practice with the older kids.

You think the check would've paid them off. 

Oh how I wish I could have decreased in age for an hour.

But I was the only teenager swimming with the three year olds. 

And possibly swimming like one too.

So maybe, the instructors saw failure right from the beginning.

You can see this was already up to a great start. 

But they told me that I was welcome to compete in the swim meet the next day.

Maybe just so they had comic relief.

I remember my thoughts exactly.

I thought for sure I could do it.

I grew up with a pool how hard could it actually be?

I mean all I did was sink.

So I told them that of course I would.

So I went home and told my mom that I needed goggles.

The next day she came home with them.

They had dolphins on them.

What was she thinking? 

I told all the three year olds they were Great White Sharks.

Que Jaws Theme Song:

duunnn dunnn...
duuuunnnn duun...
duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn

McKenzie ended up being the one to take me.

Guess Mom didn't want her moneys worth.

Or maybe she didn't want to see exactly what she paid for.

With Syd dragging along, being all depressing.

I got to the scene of the event that would forever haunt me

 Of course I decided to do all the same races as Whitney.

I thought she would be an easy one to beat.

So we waited and then the couch- 

*Aw hold up one moment.

Did I just write couch? Yes there was a walking talking COUCH.*

Excuse me, 

The Coach came around and handed us our swim caps.

Can you imagine my head + my hair+ my dolphin goggles + a swim cap?

Let me solve that math equation for you

My head + my large hair + my JAWS goggles + ridiculous bald cap =

Attractive.

So my time came and I was looking quite like a dork.

And I realized something as I was about to walk the plank,

looking nothing like a Victoria Secret Model walking down the runway:

I had to dive into the pool.

I had nooooo idea how to.

My dad had always told me if I dived in a pool I would hit my head and die.

You see where I get the paranoia.

But I hoped that the Great Great White Shark goggles would somehow grant me 

Sharkey Powers.

But instead they granted me Dead Fish Powers.

I ended up doing a really impressive belly flop.

The pressure sent my dolphin goggles inside my eye sockets

 so I was swimming blind.

And I had no idea what event I was even in.

The back stroke, the butterfly, the sun tan float, the hold-my breath-and-hope-this-is-over-because-I am-swimming-blindly stroke?

So I opened my stinging eyes and watched blurry Whitney, in an attempt to emulate her vast experience of swimming.

I made it to the end of that lap and had to turn 

around but as I watched everyone else I saw them do a flip and kick off again.

I gracefully twirled upside down in the glorious pee filled water, much like a earth worm.

I delicately and purposely hit my head on the cushiony cement wall

and gratefully swallowed tons of water.

How did the pool know I was dehydrated?

By this time I could already hear Sister Trahan's and Mrs. Andrea's cheering.

Their laughing and cheering sound awfully the same.

But I knew which one they were doing.

So  I came up with a new stroke. A much more effective stroke: 

The Run on Water Stroke.

How to do the The Run on Water Stroke:

You run as fast as the resistant water will let you.

You struggle to breathe as you fall over and over.

You flop your hands up and down much like a flying penguin- It gives you much speed.

And at last,

You reach the end.

Can I just say, 

many were jealous at my new found talent.

This little 5 year old was sitting looking at me.

In awe I do believe.

And quite rudely informed me that we weren't supposed to run.

Excuse me! I don't see "Don't run" on the don't let your dog in here sign.

Before it could get into a too nasty of a brawl,

Mckenzie proudly grabbed my soaked arm, dragging me away and said

 "We will go home and practice."

I never went back to swim team much to everyones disappointment. 

I know they wanted my autograph.

My only regret about the experience is that no one got a picture

or filmed it.

Moral of the story:

Always have a camera.